We Are All Going to Die—Make it Easier for Loved Ones

If you have been to a doctor, had a medical procedure, or found yourself in the emergency room, you were asked: “Do you have an Advance Directive?”  We are also reminded about the importance of a Will, and speaking to loved ones about our wishes, but I venture to say many of us have not done any or all of this. The thought of dying is terrifying, so we may do one or more things and “shut the box” metaphorically.

I have done my Will (six years ago, and it is currently being evaluated and possibly re-done). I have completed my Advance Directives, and I am trying to do some talking with my family about my wishes. But often, the conversation is difficult to have; there is no time, grandchildren want our attention, and we are willing to use any excuse to avoid it.

Meanwhile, there is so much more to preparing for death than just the above. Look around your house; suppose you become ill, have an accident, and never return home. Would you be embarrassed if your daughter-in-law looked in your nightstand drawer? Have you left everything in order for your spouse and children? I will admit that I have not, which is unfair to those I love. I don’t plan to die tomorrow, but things are not in order, and they need to be.

When my mother-in-law died, everything we needed was in one drawer, very organized, and, for the most part, spelled out, which made our lives much simpler since she lived out of state. The only thing she had not done was pay for the funeral (our mistake), but it was quickly rectified and corrected.

Many cultures view death differently, and you will need, at some point, to decide your approach.

Whatever you believe, it needs to be discussed more than once. And allow yourself a chance to change your mind.

I recently bought a “game” called “The Death Deck.” It is a series of cards you can use to discuss death with your friends, spouse, loved ones, etc. It sounds morbid, but it’s a great way to break the ice, start talking and learning about what your loved ones want, and have them understand your wishes, too. Don’t close your mind to it.

One example of a card is:

If despairingly lost on a deserted island, I would:

A.    Expect the family to search indefinitely. This is me we’re talking about.

B.     Be happy knowing they painstakingly searched for about a year

C.     Hope family assumed I died and threw me a fabulous celebration of life party.

I know what I would pick. And in line with that, think about this: if you know a dear friend, family, etc., is dying, and you can only travel one time, do you wait for the funeral or visit before they die, knowing that you will then miss the funeral?

I don’t care about the funeral; visit me, talk with me, and have no regrets while I am still able to speak with you.

Please don’t avoid this topic, as hard as it may seem.

I will offer a free Zoom meeting called “Death Café.”  Using the “The Death Deck” game, we’ll have a thought-provoking discussion on preparation and considerations for death. I promise it will be enlightening and uplifting. I’ll also answer any questions you may have about Advanced Directives or preparation for an unexpected illness.

Interested? For more information, please email me at myra@katzadvocate.com