Don't Forget the Caregiver

My husband had a scheduled knee replacement nine (9) days ago. As this had been planned for months, we had time to get as organized as possible. His “job” was to get his body in great physical shape, which he did by going to the gym 4-5 times a week. He met with the Physical Therapist prior to the procedure and did all his pre-op exercises regularly.

And I got ready for my "temporary" role. We had been "warned" that it would be a difficult recovery for the first two weeks by friends, the PT, and even the doctor. We planned food, borrowed an ice machine (a must!), and even put rails on the toilet seat. I was told by friends who had been the "caregiver" that it is demanding and not to expect much time for myself.

I thought being a temporary caregiver was a no-brainer, right? Easy, right? Nope.

My husband, who has a very high pain tolerance, was struggling, so I had to be sure he had the right pain meds adequately spaced so we did not "chase the pain." The first setback was that the pain catheter, inserted in his thigh, "fell out" the following day (it was supposed to last 72 hours). So, we had to make a trip to the ER, where I had to explain to the staff that he was to be met by the anesthesiologist and not have to register as a patient. I know that being an Advocate paid off. Getting in and out of the car was challenging, but he did it.

The following day was his first PT, and then the fever began on day three. We are now day nine, and he is walking with a cane and doing great. However, I am exhausted. And I have it easy.

Our friends brought us meals and gift certificates for our favorite carry-out restaurants, which has helped me tremendously do everything I need to do for him. I help him shower, get dressed (including putting on compression socks, which is difficult), fill the ice machine, carry all the bottles, get him medication, and do laundry (and more laundry). And drive him back and forth to therapy and anywhere else he needs to go.

I admit I am spoiled; my husband does more than his fair share around the house, and now it is on me and then some. But it makes me think about permanent caregivers whose spouse (or parent, or child) who are in this for the long haul. And at times, it feels thankless. I can't imagine doing this indefinitely, but I may have to someday (or it may fall onto my husband).

Advancements in medical science have enabled us to live longer and “manage” our ailments. And for some, that means living home bound.  Sometimes we forget about friends when they are home bound because we are busy, and don’t see them. When you think of them, any time during the day, send a text, just say “thinking of you.”  A quick phone call can be a meaningful gesture too. One little act might make their day. 

 My job as a caregiver is limited, but it has made me realize the importance of helping the caregiver. Don't use open-ended questions, i.e., "What can I do for you?"  Many will say nothing, even if they need help. Ask. "I am going to the store; what can I pick up for you?" Make suggestions. The caregiver may be too tired to think, i.e., "Do you need milk? Fruit? A cup of coffee?" Offer to sit with the patient for an hour so the caregiver can get out. Again, not open-ended, but "I am free on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon. How about I bring lunch and keep him company so you can get out."

And when you call to ask about the patient, ask the caregiver, "How are you doing?" The role of a caregiver is demanding. A little kindness can go a long way.